You forget your wallet at home and are getting hungry. Someone left a meal in the fridge. No security cameras and no one’s watching.
It is wrapped in a sticky grey plastic bag to make it less appealing, but you know better. 3 years of dedicated observation of the eating habits of the office have allowed you to develop an impeccably accurate star rating system. As it stands, and now that Steve is back with Jacquie from HR, the average rating is 4.5 out of 5. The only reason it is not 5/5 is because you are allergic to hipster and Kane (pronounced Kahnehaya) keeps bringing in his vegan kale quinoa accai almond milk inventions, despite your stern looks and passive aggressive smiling love heart sticky notes about cultural appropriation.
Taking a sniff, it does not smell like Fitzroy.
You are safe.
You sneak past the security desk, and hide under Juan’s desk on Level 10. Between the 20 kg gym dumbbells, Collingwood forever flags and dog-eared Super Food Idea magazines, you annihilate what turns out to be the best gaddamn beef roast you’ve ever had.
You brush your teeth and make your way back to your floor, making sure that there is not a single crumb that could incriminate you.
You notice everyone gathered in single form outside of your boss’s office. Jacquie from HR comes over. You notice she has stopped her flirtatious overtones (damn you Steve) as she gives you a number and advises that each staff member is being interviewed to determine who ate the visiting CEO’s lunch. Those found guilty will be forced to endure Kane’s 30 minute videos on the history of mindfulness and the 7 simple steps you can take towards letting go of self-hate so you can become a Happier, Healthier and More Considerate Work Colleague 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂.
Everyone is terrified.
Your turn is coming up. You are getting anxious as you have just joined the millions of Australians who have bought a house beyond their means. You ignore your impossible to please mother’s I told you so face, and the fear setting in your stomach that you might have to once again share a room with your grandma.
You remember that Todd was MIA at the same time as your theft and could be blamed. Todd used to be a very successful Pipeline Velocity Clearance technician SME in Scandinavia, but having flushed out all their problems, he became enamoured with Australia’s dual flushing system and, realising that the fifth son of the ten children he legally knows about had an allergy to goats, decided to make the move to the lucky country to become a janitor. Todd is well respected in his line of profession, having learnt not to get bogged down in every day shit, but he is currently embroiled in divorce proceedings with his fifth wife which has caused him an existential crisis and has caused him to seek psychological help as he has become suicidal – this in fact is the reason why he is MIA. He has previously confided in you that he is not sure if he can put up with – and more importantly – get rid of crap anymore, one of the requirements to obtaining his 457 work visa.
You have just been called up.
What do you do?