Anyway, it dawned on me that there’s not long to go until the footy season kicks off, and there might be some recent Melbourne immigrants who do not understand this obsession.
To assist these immigrants in this difficult and somewhat bewildering time, I have compiled a helpful list of codes of behaviour that we Melbournians expect when you move to our state.
Melbourne footy golden rules
#1: Select a footy team
This is not as difficult as it may sound. Clearly, go the Hawks, but if you are surrounded by some crazy mad supporters and you fear retribution, then a socially acceptable method of choosing a team is by looking at the footy outfit and choosing the colours you like best.
#2 : If your team isn’t in the grand final….
Scenario A: Interstate team/Melbourne team v. Interstate team
- Non- Collingwood supporter: Choose team that used to be a Melbourne team back in the old days. Always choose a Melbourne team, except if it’s Collingwood.
- Collingwood supporter: If Melbourne team is Collingwood, please refer to Scenario C. If not, talk about your team selection plans for the draft season.
Scenario B: Two Melbourne teams that are not Collingwood
- Non-Collingwood supporter: Choose a team that isn’t one that your team hates.
- Collingwood supporter: talk about your team selection plans for the draft season.
Scenario C: Collingwood v. Melbourne team
- Non-Collingwood supporter: Easy. Choose other Melbourne team, even if it’s one that your team hates. Never choose Collingwood.
- Collingwood supporter: Watch re-runs of all matches where Collingwood has lost. Also, speak to fans of other teams about their close encounters. This will give you an idea of how to behave.
#3 : It’s not a game, it’s a way of life
Never, ever dismiss footy. You will be found. You will be scrutinised. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter whether you follow your chosen team – but you must choose one.
So this is a case of, if you can’t win ’em, join ’em.
GO THE HAWKS!!!!!
 I do actually LOVE soccer, but the fake dives drive me insane!